>>2089okay sure… there's two girls I like a lot. I usually feel happy when I'm around them and they're both nice. But afterwards I think things like I'm pathetic and wouldn't be able to even talk to them and I shouldn't get close to anyone because it will just be painful for everyone and I don't deserve relationships with other people, and I imagine things like all the people I like hating me and laughing at me and calling me disgusting. And when I think things like that, I hate myself more and want to harm myself. I imagine things like smashing my head into glass or a mirror, and cutting my hands and feet, and smashing my hand with a rock and stabbing myself in the stomach and throat… No one knows about this, because I'm not close enough with anyone to talk about it, and I can't tell my parents either cause they dismiss literally everything I say as me overreacting and reading fake things online, or that it's just because I spend too much time on the computer and don't go outside (I don't think I have money to live comfortably alone long-term, which is why I'm still here, and also I know I couldn't handle most jobs because I'm fucking mental and can't deal with socializing with people)
Most of the time I'm usually not as bad, and don't hate myself and want to hurt myself so much, but random things seem to trigger it and it gets worse the worse I feel. I feel like I might end up actually doing something bad if I feel bad enough for whatever reason… when I was younger I used to try to choke myself to death or hit myself in the head really hard whenever I got in trouble, and I know I would probably do a lot worse if I started hurting myself again…
I feel like everything would be okay if I just knew that someone loved me and would hug and hold me just once, but I never allow myself to believe that because it would hurt worse if I found out it wasn't true and wouldn't ever happen…
please go easy on me