/what/ - mugi

I always had great luck with men when I was in my early to mid-20s. It was easy for me to fall in love and to find guys who were romantic, sweet, and masculine. Then, as I entered my late 20s, I felt a change in lifestyle, during which my career started to flourish, and I started to focus on work, home, and dating seriously, with the hope for long-term commitment. Evan, I’m a real go-getter and everything in my life is successful except my personal life. I’ve tried to not push commitment and instead tried to go with the flow with my boyfriend who I really, really wanted to be with but who ended up telling me he wasn’t over an ex, so he couldn’t commit to me. The breakup was recent but not too shocking, so while I still cringe when I think of it, I decided it’s best to move on.

Since then, I was set up by a family member and been dating a nice guy that you would label a beta male. He has a very good, high-paying tech career, has made a home, and, the best thing, my family already knows and likes him! But he’s pretty passive and a bit socially awkward. For example, on our first date, which he initiated and even picked me up for, when the bill came, he shyly asked if I wanted him to pay for dinner or if I wanted to split the bill. Most guys I’ve dated wouldn’t ask, they would just pay for the bill (especially on the first date)! I’m sure it’s not because he had a horrible time or because he’s broke (he makes more than I do). I made a bold move and said he can pay for it. He then smiled and agreed and we continued our date, which involved a romantic walk through his favorite part of the city. I believe he asked me about paying because he didn’t want to make me go on a date with him if I didn’t want to and offered to allow me to pay for myself as if we were only eating dinner as friends. Pretty awkward, huh!?

Still, I enjoy his company and we have similar interests and goals, so I have continued to date him. So far, we’ve gone on five more dates, slowly getting to know each other. He’s continued to exhibit awkward, indecisive beta male behavior: speaking softly at loud bars, asking me for directions to restaurants, and taking a loooong time to plan a date! It’s kind of driving me nuts! But I feel like we have a lot of promise, so I’d like to stick around and see things through.

I would love your advice on how to be patient with a beta and how to date one without feeling like the one who wears the pants. I’ve read in your articles that this is normal for women who are career-driven and intelligent–we are like the female equivalents of “nice guys”. I don’t want to date an alpha male; they are too competitive with me and bring unneeded drama into my life. I believe I’ll do better with a guy who is more thoughtful and sensitive, but still successful and responsible, like my current guy. Please provide a guide to alpha women, who have realized their faults and are trying to change the men they date for the better but are struggling through the alpha-to-beta culture shock!