/what/ - ...

Me and my brother, "Cody", have never got on well, partially because of the age gap. I've always felt like a kind of surrogate mom for him because as soon as I was old enough I was made to babysit him all the time and that still goes on today, and I've never been able to have a social life or join clubs at school because I'm always looking after him. My friends joke that I'm a teenage mom and at this point have stopped inviting me anywhere because they know I'm always looking after Cody.

We're in the house a lot together and I've always made him help with chores like cleaning. He doesn't like this and it's always a chore in itself to get him to start helping me. Over time I can feel that I've crossed the line from nagging him to help to forcing him to help. Sometimes I will push or pull him into the room that needs cleaning if he won't move. If he's being really difficult I can get frustrated and hit him lightly. It's never enough to hurt him or leave a mark, but it's still hitting. If it took a huge amount of effort to get him to help, I've made the tasks really needlessly 'unpleasant', for example making him take trash outside piece by piece instead of putting it in a bag.

I know I sound horrible and you probably all hate me. I hate myself for it. Although I don't like him I do love him because he's family and he's only a little kid. I'm bigger and stronger than him and I shouldn't be going on a power trip over him every time I look after him. I feel like the shittiest person to have ever lived. I don't want to blame anybody but myself for this but my dad has always been really quick to get angry and lose his temper and yell. I don't know if part of why I'm doing this to Cody is because of some kind of cycle of abuse thing. Maybe me thinking that is just me reaching for hope that I'm not as much of a piece of shit as I come across. I also feel a lot of resentment towards him because of always having to look after him, even though that's my parent's fault and not his.

I know that I need to stop doing this, not only for his sake but for my own mental health. I hate myself. When I'm being a dick to him I'm always thinking 'why am I doing this, why am I doing this' but I still can't seem to stop. Please help me.